Alone

In the fall of my 7th grade year I had my first "boyfriend". Ok, so he was the little brother of Susi and Anne who also happened to be my sister's buddies. It was all a set up.... In any case, I started to care about how I looked and all that much more than I had before. I won't say I dieted, but I started to eat a little less. And, I started a little routine of jogging from our E.Pedregosa St. house up to Constance and back. It was probably about a mile or so at first and then I started to add on to make it more like 2 miles. I recall wearing a pair of red, cotton drawstring shorts that were snug yet comfortable.

That summer I went down to Thousand Oaks to live with my dad and a very pregnant Linda. It was also the summer that I got my first job babysitting a little boy across town and making some nice cash for girl who had just turned 13. Needless to say, I wanted to spend my money on new clothes and I wasn't liking how they were fitting. I was also noticing that Lori was getting some major attention for her dieting efforts.

The stage was set for me a competitive control freak to cut off the eating and ramp up the exercise. Towards the end of the summer I had lost probably 10 pounds and was exercising in the heat of a TO summer.... My life was controlled by what I had to do and what I couldn't eat.

That fall I only got better at it. I probably dropped another 15-20 pounds by Halloween... if not more. My diet for the day was no more than 300 calories towards the end of my non eating hell. It was lonely and controlled. I was sick. All I thought about was what I couldn't eat and what I had to do. I felt alone. My E. Pedregosa to Constance jog continued. The red shorts got loose.... really loose.

I feel alone again, but it isn't my weight.... I feel like all I do is work or think about work. I walk around feeling like I don't belong anywhere but in a classroom full of kids.