Trash Night

Tuesday night is trash night. It is also so much more. 

Every Tuesday I empty the trash for Kevin to take to the curb. 

Life is so precious. I am so thankful. 

Trash night is my weekly Tuesday Thanksgiving. 

Happy Thanksgiving Tuesday! 

Relief

Sometimes having grit takes its toll mentally and physically. Sometimes being tenacious and goal driven is a huge invisible burden. Sometimes our bodies just say quietly to let something go while other times it screams NO! ENOUGH!

When I signed up to run the Berlin Marathon I was doing just fine physically and mentally. I had found my new slower pace and was absolutely ok with it. 

The training cycle for Berlin was looking to be all routine. But, it wasn't. Instead, my left knee quietly set me back. Only to have the right knee raise its voice enough for me to listen and alter goals. I was going to do it though. I was going to get a cortisone shot in my right knee a couple weeks before the race and run/walk those 26.2 miles on September 21st. 

BUT... my knee ballooned up on Sunday and again on Monday and I was hobbling again. No running. Would I walk the dam thing? No. I wouldn't.

Like a deep breath that I felt deep in my soul, I let it go. I let go the idea of forcing the Berlin Marathon to happen and get that 19th marathon medal. Did I let running go....Forever? I do not know. 

I am still getting the cortisone shot and going to Berlin to cheer and enjoy. The knee will get attention when we get back.

What a relief! 

Ground Hog Day

It isn't February, but it does feel a bit like Ground Hog Day. Just like November 9, 2016, I woke up to news that in my heart I feared would happen. And it did. But...

My husband is alive and thriving. 

My kids are safe and healthy. 

My forever puppy is forever chasing tennis balls in her doggy heaven. 

I live in this beautiful place.

I can run. 

I can love.

I have dear friends.

I have my faith. 

I still have hope. 

If you did not watch Kamala Harris' Speech today, please do. She is what a leader is supposed to be... even when they don't win. I am so sorry America that you chose to go with the other choice. I choose hope, love, and justice for ALL people. 

Winnie McKee May 30, 2010 - April 29, 2024

Winnie McKee went to run with the wind on April 29, 2024 just a day and a month shy of her fourteenth birthday.

Winnie was chosen from her litter at Wildfire Retrievers of Bradley, CA on July 19, 2010 just 2 weeks after her human grandma, Dorothy Winifred had passed away. She was chosen for her strange action of digging a little space to rest while her litter mates begged for our attention. She was a unique (border line odd) and loving member of our family.

There are many memories of Winnie that are too numerous to record here. Many of them are stories to be told as folklore in a sense. Some of her bad habits as a pup included eating socks whole and barfing them up days later. Eating and pooping out paper towels was also a talent that she carried into even her elderly years and last months. She also had a knack for being that dog that pooped right at the edge of the water immediately upon arriving at the beach or barking like a maniac in the back of the truck on her way to chase balls at the park. 

Winnie had many seasons of her life. She had the chewing season that was followed by the season of "run run run run....ball ball ball" season and "this human bed and couch are all mine season". When she could no longer run nor get up on the couch, she fell into the old lady season of routines, sunbathing, and barking at everything and nothing. Her final chapter focused on being present when her family needed her most. 

Rest well Winnifred...Honey Bunch-Sugar Plum-Doodle Pie-Wuffle Bunny Boo.... Miss Bark More....My Old Bitch. You will always be remembered when I see a lizard, do the dishes, drop a crumb on the floor, enjoy a sunny day in the backyard, welcome your favorite ladies into our home, ring the door bell (your bark always changed pitch), or simply walk in the front door. You will always be my favorite puppy on the planet. 

Where to Start?

It is hard to know where to start, but in the same breath, the start is a date on the calendar or a word on a page. Starting is the easy part. I believe that there is a path to a start that isn't always easy. Doors open. Doors close. Choices are always made. Goals are made. Usually, hard work is done. BUT, the start is always there and is often a choice. Sometimes the start never happens. 

Actually, what is on my heart right now is the mystery of endings. Often, you can see endings coming. Sometimes you wait and wait and wait for them. Sometimes you don't even realize that something has ended. Many times, endings are celebrations. 

The love of my life had an ending not long ago as he finished up six rounds of 5 day slow drip chemo for B cell Lymphoma with a genetic twist that required the slow drip. That's about 30 days/nights in Cottage Hospital! He rang the bell. It was done! THE END.... Celebrate! 

Two days out of the hospital and we almost had an ending with our elderly Winnie. Eight days after that..... was almost an ending that I wasn't ready for. I didn't see it coming. I was just emptying the trash...

Was I scared? No, I don't know what I was. I hadn't prepared. Thank God I was right there. Thank God the EMTs got here so fast! Thank God for smart and talented doctors who put 2 stents in Kevin's blocked arteries that night. One of them was 99% blocked! Thank God Abbey (my rock in all of this) was still in town and Jack was able to fly out from Hawaii. I was never alone.

All along, I was maybe numb, but I knew he would survive. Due to cardiac arrest, I didn't know what Kevin I would get back, but I didn't care. Armored with grace of God and the support and prayers of so many, I had a peace and assurance that no matter what, Kevin would still BE. Prayers would be answered. And, they were. Kevin is still 100% Kevin who just can't remember 7 days of his life in the ICU or our 29th anniversary while he was there.

Kevin has been home for over a week with walking goals that he is hitting and appointments made. It is a new start. 

  April 1, 2024. Our 29th Wedding Anniversary!
Kevin was breathing on his own and alert, but no memory of this picture. 

Things I Know

 How this post started in May 2021...One month before I retired.

Things I Know To Be True About Teaching

1. You will never be compensated for your hard work with money.

Yes, that is as far as that post got almost 2 1/2 years ago. Now it is September 2023 and I am changing the title.

What I Miss About Teaching

I miss...

connecting with students in a way I just can't explain.

creating amazing lessons that clicked.

making connections for students....and myself.

telling others that they did a good job...constantly. 

making a difference on a daily basis.

I will get back to my passion of teaching kids to read. Right now I just can't. That dream of starting a tutoring network will happen. I just will need to remind myself of where this post all started years ago...

1. You will never be compensated for my hard work with money. 

And that will be just fine with me. 

Finding Jana

 Do you ever wonder who you are? We all have an idea of ourselves... or is it an ideal? It doesn't matter how others perceive us or how we want them to. Or does it? We just all are who we are. Right? Or are we? Don't we have a say in it? Can't we make choices that tell others how we want them to see us? And if we do..do we set the bar too high or too low? 

I am officially middle aged. My hair is grey. My face is saggy. I can't see without glasses. Add a mask and I can't see at all! So, my face and head look my age. My body hopefully doesn't. My body is strong, but not as strong as it needs to be to do what I want it to do. It isn't perfect. It doesn't work like I want it to. I need way more recovery time than I used to. I am not as fast as I want to be. Will I ever get back in to the groove without completely curling up into a ball of pain? 

My mind is young. Are my actions?  I have been an educator for a very long time. I totally get kids. I understand their anxiety.... there is a lot. I understand the need to fit in. I still struggle with this an almost 55 year old. Being a human is the hardest thing on the planet. We are capable of so much. We feel so much. There is so much. A lot of the times I feel like I don't fit in.  Half the time I am a fish out of water when I try to fit in. Why do we as humans torture ourselves this way? Why do we care? What about "love the one you're with"?

I am coming close to the biggest ending/beginning of my life. I never imagined actually getting here. So where am I after 32+ years in the classroom? But, here I am. Teaching is all I have done for a very long time. I love teaching. I can't explain the jazz I feel when I feel like I have something so well designed and orchestrated for my students. I seriously get a high from planning and putting all the pieces together that make a classroom work.  I can't tell you the joy it all gives me... and the sorrow. I am very wrapped up in what I do. Yikes. I know I am not a normal person. 

Walking away will not be easy. What will I think about? What will I talk about? What will I do? Who in the hell am I? 

I can't wait to find out!