And There You Are

Mothers' Day 2019. Here I am. My children are in college and independent yet not. I have changed so much, yet in some ways, not at all. So here I am....

What a school year! Wow! I am humbled. But, that is what the state tests do. They humble. These kids are trying so hard. They always do, but I always feel like I was not enough.... I am not.

If only I could go out for an easy 6 mile run..... then I would be me. Why am I here again? Why didn't I listen to the voice inside that said running Boston would break me? It did. Mile 14 on Monday, April 15... I was done. I want my leg back! I don't need to run far or fast. I just need to run.

I will be back running, but I wonder when. I feel lost in the midst of having so much.Why does running ground me so much?

The month of May is like the last 3 miles of a marathon. It is hard to explain unless you have been there, but it is a true test of character and will mixed with an sense of joy and celebration. They are exhausting on so many levels... both teaching and the marathon.

I can do this. Just dig deep
and get it done.

Where ever you are, you are.

Summer Brain Fog

Summer is usually pretty foggy in Santa Barbara. This year, not so much. However, that didn't stop me from letting the brain fog set in like I was so good at when I was a younger teacher. I read books that had nothing to do with teaching, yet in the same breath everything to do with teaching. I ran miles and miles not once thinking I had to run a little faster or not quite as far in order to make it home by 7:00.There were days this summer when the only time I left my house was to run. Instead my mind left the house in a book or a movie. And, in a summer brain fog that is completely OK.

I had a few times when my anxiety started to break the fog. I started to worry about organizing this or setting up that or planning this..... Why? I did go to my classroom once to move some table around and help with the anxiety so the fog could set in again, but it was too hot. I told myself this summer I wasn't going evaporate before I get a chance to even meet my new class! So, I fought it off. The classroom always kind of develops into a being all its own during the school year anyway. Let the kids help me. It is their space too. Nothing has to be perfect. Right?

 All the little and big stuff from my IMSE training over spring break and my TRWP conference in New York this June were little droplets sprinkled in my brain and stuck in the weeds and were starting to nag at me, but today I realized something as I started to look over my notes from TRWP. These ideas are little seeds in my notes and in my mind that just need a little time and space to grow, but most importantly, they need children. None of them can grow unless I have children in front of me with needs and gifts. The fog can stay a little longer but the sun can break through slowly and not fueled by anxiety. I know how to do this job.

The fog is lifting. Looking over my notes from TRWP and thinking how I can share at least a nugget of what I have trying to sprout from me, I got that excitement I feel when I create and live in my teaching mind. I love my teacher self. She makes me happy. She fills me with hope and longing to always do it better the next time.

I will let the fog lift slowly this year like I used to when I was a new teacher. I won't let the logistics of setting up a classroom crush me into a hot steamy puddle before it even really starts.

A summer well done.